I found out last night that I have now sold over three thousand books! I know that this is the merest BAGATELLE to quite a few of you but I am feeling jolly pleased with myself right now.
I don’t often like to talk about my childhood and upbringing as they are more fitting for the pages of a Misery Memoir than what is supposed to be quite an uplifting and pretty blog, but suffice to say that I was brought up by my grandmother to consider myself very very stupid and untalented indeed while any belief in ‘specialness’ was literally beaten out of me. Attempts to talk about my ambition to become a writer were greeted with derision and mockery so it wasn’t something that I ever thought within my grasp and I duly filed it away as something that other, more fortunate, people did.
As is often the case with people who have had miserable childhoods and have zilch family support or interest, I did myself no favours at all and completely lost my marbles while doing my A Levels which resulted in my becoming pregnant in the middle of my second year at sixth form, effectively dropping out and completely putting paid to any lofty plans I may have had for my future. Thus PLAYING INTO THEIR HANDS.
With the benefit of hindsight I can see now that my grandmother was motivated by jealousy and feelings of inadequacy as well as purest personal dislike for the grandchild that had been foisted on her at just a few months old. That doesn’t stop me occasionally rolling her spiteful words around in my head when I am feeling low – ‘You’d be lucky if someone hired you as a cleaner’, ‘You’ll never amount to anything’, ‘NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE YOU.’ It’s toxic and wrong, but I can’t help myself.
Anyway! It’s taken a long, long time but FINALLY I feel a little bit able to feel proud of myself. I’ve spent most of my life feeling really stupid and as if I don’t have any discernible talent, but at last it looks like I might actually be a bit good at something and that feels weird but nice. I ought to thank my husband for a lot of this actually as he is the first person I have ever met who made me feel like I could actually achieve something with my life and wasn’t actually stupid and hopeless at all thus breaking a cycle of picking boyfriends who treated me in the same way as my grandmother did and doing their best to cut me down. He’s been amazing.
I was terrified when I first published a book by myself – I was so sure that everyone would hate it and I’d be an object of ridicule but people have, mostly, been so very kind about it and I appreciate that SO MUCH. I am honestly SO grateful to everyone that has bought a copy and read it and even gone to the trouble to leave a review. It’s just brilliant of you.
Anyway, that’s enough of all that! There’s going to be a bit of a gap before my next book comes out but I’m working away on it! Progress is a bit impeded right now by the fact that my children are going through particularly demanding phases (this blog post has taken quite a few hours to write thanks to the continual interruptions – my writing fares even worse as they have the happy knack of waiting until I’m finally feeling my imagination soar before they interrupt and bring me crashing back down to earth again) and that due to personal and Boring Day Job reasons, my writing time is not exactly plentiful and I’m having to very sadly weigh up between Paid Work and unpaid writing. I’m doing the best that I can though and slowly but surely the word counts are ticking upwards…
I’m stressed though. Seriously stressed. I’m assured it will all be worth it in the end though.
In other news, lots of you have been asking if there’s any chance that I will be bringing my books out in a form other than Kindle. This is something I would like to do but only if I can produce books that aren’t heinously expensive for you to buy. If I can find a way to do it that means that you don’t pay more than you would ordinarily fork out for a paperback novel then I’ll get on with that.
Seeing as the children have momentarily stopped demanding things and appear to be happily watching a Harry Potter film, I’d best go and do some writing now, hadn’t I?
Thanks again! You’re all ace.